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Thursday, April 5th, 2007

Subject:oh yes its time
Time:1:50 pm.
time for a little updateums

well, first...i'm still very happy in my life and the people and things i'm doing. lets just talk about how emily bobus is transfering to KU!! ahh! i'm just so excited to be living with her and experiencing things with her through college and I just know we are going to have the best time ..cause frankly, its always better when shes in my life...

i've been a busy busy beaver since i've been back in PA. I'm always running about doing something. I live in an aptment on campus right now with 3 girls. not really friends with any of them, but you know me and being all scorpio. Its helped a lot though not having too many friends on campus with grades and such cause I just either sit around and watch seasons of tv shows (lol) or I study.

Its so very wonderful to be able to see toby on a realitivly regular basis. he makes me so very happy. I can't believe most of the time taht we found each other in this mixed up crazy world, but we did and we are both so happy about it. he has made me become a better person and made me realise some of the unimportant things in life that i used to worry about it. I think i've helped him too though..and really? what a wonderful thing to be able to say about a relationship...we make each other better :). Hes just such a wonderful person and A+ boyfriend and i thank the stars every day that he walked into my life when he did..and I finally let him..haha.

when i first got home i visited him a lot and got to know some of his friends (roomates mainly) i'm not sure any of them like me too much. I mean..I think they dont really care too much i guess. which i dunno...guys are weird...i would think if my best friend were dating someone i would make an effort ya kno? I just sometimes feel unwelcome at psu..not on tobys account at all of course..but maybe i'm just paranoid and a little bitter about last semester and how they were kinda assholes to me and gave toby a hard time all the time. i dunno..i just kinda wish i could be better friends with them ..at least for tobys sake. I dont think he minds too much but I know that emily and such really are trying to take the time to get to know toby and really like him and i just wish his friends would do the same. dont get me wrong..its just his friends up here..his friends at home like sawyer and them i get along with..or at lesat have really well the times we've spent together. i dunno..i just feel like its a part of tobys life that I want to understand and get more into and they like shut me out..or maybe its a two ways street...thats probably more likely cause whenever i feel liek someone does'nt like me i shut down. lol oh well.

its been hard with friends since i've been back. Beck/Em/Mad all live far away and i'm a curmugine (sp) when it comes to opening up and making new ones. My DPO girls are all ridiculously far away...but i'm thinking about going to Kristens soon cause shes only in WC. Other friendships have crumbled i guess you could say. It saddens me, but maybe its for the best. I dunno. I guess that chapter is finished in my life. I really dont understand it. My mom said I have two options: 1) confront the situation and deal with it or 2) just let it go and find a place in me where i'm okay with it. I'm trying very hard to do the second option. but i think about things and it just really hurts me and other things I wish i could change that i've done. i mean, for me its hard because i hold on to things a lot and i really really go through them in my head over and over. I just find it hard to let go of something that meant a lot to me and its hard for me to understand why its easier for others to deal with things and just...let it go. my heart just doesn't know how to do that, and it never has. but what other choice do i have? I just have to really really listen to peoples advice on it and say to myself "its not personal. nothings personal" it sounds easy but its one of the hardest things to do for me cause i take everything so very personally.

i'm going to beckys for easter on saturday!! I am really looking forward to spending some quality time with her. I miss her a lot and I always enjoy the holidays with her family cause my family doesn't really do much on easter especially. i'll probably leave mid afternoon and spend the night with tobys family then. which will be really nice as well. becks is taking me out saturday night and i am oooh soo excited about that !! :) i miss nights with becky a lot!!

maddi and jasten broke up. and as much as i really might think it was for the best..my heart broke along with theirs. i felt pretty torn with it too because i've become realyl good friends with jasten through the two years they've been together and he was really hurting and i missed my best friend because shes been doing her own thing and it was very hard to be in between the two of them when everything went down. and its also sad cause toby and jasten really enjoyed each others company..the whole thing just makes me sad cause i just really thought they were really good for each other and really brought out the best most of the time in each other and any couple like that ending it just seems sad and really upsetting. and i love them both so much and i just wish things could work out. but i'm a silly silly girl and I know that they did what they had to do. i feel like the kid whos parents are getting divorced lol i just spent so much time with them i was like in their relationship too and i just hurt with them.

what else is there to talk about? i wish i was in a show right now. i wish i could have done cinderealla but i was so busy and now i'm not and i'm like UGHH i wish i had more to do during the week. i really want to do a show in the summer i just wish alpha wasn't doing STUPID STUPID high school musical. i'm thinking about doing it..but i listen to the music and i feel like it would be just completely against everything i believe to be good and true in musical theater..but who knows maybe i'll end up doing it anyway.

I just got hired at Crystal Cave as a tour guide. I shit you not. I'm gonna be working there during the week and possibly some weekends. ahh i need money like big time-o and it'll be a good fulltime job in the summer. plus..caves..fun. stalagmites come on/ what could be better than working in a cool place in the summer where you can turn off all the lights and not see your hand in front of your face??? :) lol it should be a good time.

i think thats all for now, i have a couple days off which is good cause yesterday i got diagnosed with strep throat..woohoo..not..its not like when i had it as a kid though..i remember being in sooo much pain..its not too bad..my glands are just insanely swollen and i get relaly tired all the time..so better this version than my childhood one. i can eat too still..yay..and no fever. but i'm spending my days off with the love of my life..cause who can better take care of you than the boy that loves you? :)

for now
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Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007

Subject:becky inspired me to write
Time:3:18 am.
Its been a long while since i've written in here...

how do i even begin. My life has significantly changed. I've changed really. Being away from everything i've known since the begining of my life has really taught me many things about myself and about life and about the people i mine.

I never realised how lucky i am. I have so many amazing friends back home. I really do. I'm blessed with so many people who care about me. Not to get all corny..but i couldn't be more thankful for them. My family of course has been so supportive and proud and interested in what i'm doing down here. My friends couldn't be more excited for me. And i being so far away realised how much they all meant to me.

And i've also gained some really amazing friends down here too. My three roomates happen to be three of the most amazing girls i've ever met. I couldn't have lucked out better. really. I dont know what i'm going to do when i dont see them every day. They've really taught me to open up to people and really shown me how great people can be. I felt so alone when i first got here and they've really become a family to me down here. I've invited them up for spring break...they are def life-long friends. i am truly blessed with having them come into my life.

My job here has really really lessened my stage fright. it was truly so hard in the begining because i was so afraid to say or do the wrong thing. (its amazing what people catch too) but i feel so comfortable in front of people now. Having to be a total improv actor for four months has really shown me some neat and interesting things about acting. I'm so much more of a people person now..which i never thought id say. I mean i dont get the same reaction if i as caitlin apple walk up to people and start something..as appose to cinderella..BUT my comfortable nature is still there..which really makes me happy. It was hard to break that shell after so many years of being afraid to talk to people.

toby. what can i say about him. hes really shown me a lot of things..and has made me make an effort to be a better person. I never thought we'd come this far when i first met him. Hes full of surprises. Hes helped me a whole lot this semester. I feel closer to him than i've ever felt to anyone. and it just keeps growing. He treats me like an equal...and shows me it in so many ways. We are so open about everything, which can be hard sometimes because i'm so used to defense mechanisms and head games with guys..and he is nothing like that. And i appreciate everything he is and everything we are. I can't express enough how much he means to me. He has truly made me the happiest girl alive. and thats truly an understatment.

Leaving here is mixed. Mostly i'm just happy to be heading home because my time here is done and i've learned all i can about everything here and me. I truly will miss my girls down here, but i know our friendships dont stop here and its comforting to know that. I can't wait to physically with the man that i love and get back into school (i know can you believe it?) and i think when i get home my life will be better for the things i've taken from here. I've met some really neat people..and had some truly amazing experiences and learned some really valuble things.

My life is pretty amazing. And i really see that now.

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Thursday, September 7th, 2006

Subject:BLOG Disney 2
Time:12:34 pm.
Blog from DISNEY .2

Oh boy, has it been one exhausting week . I've worked everyday nonestop ten hours each day. and it has been such a whirlwind of experiences. I'm excited to report that I am now officially a disney character.

These last couple days have been soooo crazy..they train you like dogs here. But with good reason..it isn't an easy job what SO ever...you think its going to be..you are out of your mind. But its so surreal. Being on the inside and looking out.

oh yeah this week i was "friends with"

Pluto, Eeyore, Rafiki, and mr. smee. Haha yep thats right..and it couldn't have been more fun. Well, subtract the horrrrrendous heat and the severe pain in my neck and back and it was amazing. I couldn't have asked for a neater job, it's def hell sometimes, but its totally worth it. You can a million little brats and then one angelic little kid pops up with her mickey ears and smiles at you and waves her little wave and you melt. Its incredible. I can't even explain it.

Today i passed the training test with flying colors and got my official training dates when i start "hanging out with cinderella" . The 18th i am trained and the 19th is the first day out. AGHH, i'm so pumped i can't even begin to explain it.

Also, my roomates are still awesome. I love them to death. Last night we had a big dinner night and made lasagna and got all dressed up and invited some girls that lived next store over and christina and jon who are in my training group and a couple of jons roomies came too..it was a party. it was the first time i've gotten dressed up since i've gotten here..it was a relief to see a person looking back at me instead of an exhausted sweaty mutant. haha.

Lucky me, Someone forgot to put me on the schedule this week so i have five.. count them FIVE days off this week...which i'm relieved about because i've been working nonestop for hours on end..and waking up at ungodly un-teenagerly hours. But i start bright and early sunday morning at Epcot being friends with pluto/eeyore. :) what an experience this is going to be..


Till later

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Wednesday, August 30th, 2006

Time:9:36 pm.
Ok..so requested by some i am going to update everyone at home on everything that has been going on down here..:)

It is 8:00 pm on the third night of being a Disney College Program-er. and it couldn't be more exciting. Exhausting..but def fun :) I officially have been down in FL for four nights all together though.

I came down on the AutoTrain w/ Kristen (the girl i met at auditions) and her mother and sister. They couldn't have been a nicer family and took good care of me. I spent one night on the train and we arrived in florida Sunday morning. I spent that night (after very much trouble with the evil hotel that is comfort inn vista way) in that hotel which is practically right on disney property.

the next morning was crazy..we woke up early and got there by 8:00 even though check in was at nine..but i think a lot of people had the same idea. we roamed around and checked in with a million people and got our apt number and key and our parking decals and so on..the boring stuff...and then we moved in.

Me and Kristen got to be roomies and I love her too death. She couldn't be more easy to live with . Then there are four other girls in the apt Two from Texas (caitlin and jess...yes caitlin is spelled the same way...they all just call me Apple ;) ) then one from Arizona (Heidi) and then one from Maryland (kim). They all are great. Def lucked out fo sho. (Heidi is playing Minnie/Mickey teehee)

OKay so now comes the part you alllll want to hear about. lol. Yesterday was full of suspense and stress and long hours. We woke up early and had work related paperwork crap to take care of (way to fricken early) and then me and kristen went in a van with 4 other people to go to a second audition for our face characters.

They taught us a dance routine (more like a movement routine nothing hard at all) and we did that for about an hour or more. Then after that they told us who they wanted to see us as..me and kristen already knew. So they took two girls back..one was put into a malificient (sp?) costume (SOO COOL) and one was placed in belle. then i went back and was put into cinderella...can i just tell you how weird it is to look at yourself in the mirror and see that. SO WEIRD..it was the most surreal thing ever. Then they had us each read of "monologue" for our character..aka the corniest thing ever...haha so put on my best cinderella smile..came in and did a big courtesy..and spoke in my most annoyingly sweet voice ever.. Then they took the guy back and put him in Prince Eric (from little mermaid for those of you who aren't disney peeps) and Kristen and another girl were placed in Jasmine. Those costumes..soo incredible. Kristen looked soooo good in hers.

then they placed me in Aurura which i wasn't expecting..aurora being sleeping beauty. I LOVE that costume. Then they told "ok we wanted to let you know that we loved you as cinderella..your reading was perfect..so we want you to play her" i was speechless!!

I'm also going to be playing PLUTO down here as well..haha..i can't wait for that.

Today I had a class FIVE HOURS LONG..so boring...the speakers were good though..i sat with four people at my table..and we all bonded quite well...the four of us Julie, Josh, Kim and Denise went to Magic Kingdom afterwards..was raining..but def a good time.

It couldn't be more exciting down here..and i can't wait to update more for you guys. although...it may be awhile cause I am minus a laptop down here..

hope all of you are doing well!!1


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Saturday, August 12th, 2006

Subject:float away from me ..float away
Time:2:17 pm.
Mood: happy.
Life is good.

well Aida ended..and i couldn't more sad about it. I know i have such a great thing ahead of me (like 15 days!!) but i miss the cast and playing that role a lot!! I had such an amazing experience doing that show and i'm so glad it came to me after such a terrible experience with the last. I couldn't be more thankful that i got it :)

Speaking of disney..i get butterflies in my tummy everytime i think about it. SO exciting. There is so much to look forward to in the fall :) and maddi just told me that its pretty much a done deal that she is coming to visit me in december!!! yayaya!!! i can't wait to sink into something so amazing as this..i just hope it all works out as planned

Toby is such a neat person. I love that he is so smart and i love the way he thinks. Hes so inventive and enthusiastic about the things he cares about..and its such a relief to know that i can talk to him on the same level. I dont know what is in store for us because of me leaving and such, but whatever happens will be good.

Mutter's party is tomorrow. Her wedding party that is. Its goin to be nice. I' m not sure how the fam is going to be.,.but are they are normal at these thigns? no. I'm excited for my mother though, i know shes crazy nazi bitch right now..but i can tell shes really excited and happy for it. and happy with him. and that makes me happy as well. haha ..happy happy happy

There isn't really much else to update. I work a lot next week..(Some money before disney) which will be good. I get to see my sissy's show on sunday!! yaya! and i happy about that.

i've been so..ok lately. just everything. even when i have 'bad days' i like laugh about them..and i dunno i've just never been in a state like this before. i'm really enjoying life and everything and i love where things are going.and the unexpected..and i've forced myself to let go of all the horrendous endeavors in the past. and i don worry about thigns anymore. I just go. and this makes it easier on me..stress-wise and health-wise and well it makes me a better person.. and honestly, you know what makes things a lot better as well...emily. I dont know how to describe our friendship to anyone, but we've always clicked better than i've ever clicked with ANYONE friends/boyfriends/family..anyone. Its like. she just gets me and i get her. and i lvoe her for it. I'm so incredibly happy shes back in my life. and its going to stay that way. Shes makes things better. I guess thats the best way to say it. She makes life better and me better and haha..i dunno. i just thought i should get that out.

gosh, i'm going to miss everyone soooo much when i'm farr away in fantasy-land haha. But at the same time..this experience couldn't have come at a more convienent time. its like the worst experience in my life just happened..and i came out of it ten times a better person and ten times happy and wiser. and i know thats SO cliche to say. but honestly. its true. there are things that happen sometimes that we can't stop or change. but for some reason this time..i came out of it ..and rose above it. it does'nt matter to me anymore...they dont matter to me anymore...and i'm glad that i came out of this experience the winner. :)

i'm a cornball.

and i love it

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Thursday, July 20th, 2006

Subject:he thought he was the burger king, ya know what i'm saying??
Time:11:17 am.
update update UPDATE

well, i'm much better than i was when last we met. I've been doing soo much lately. Rehearsals are a blast. i fricken love this show and this cast and everythign about it. its amazing how happy i am when i'm there. i don understand it..maybe its because people treat me with respect and actualyl like me and want to talk to me and support me and well..and best of all its NOT beauty and the beast part two in anyway shape or form :) oh yeah..and people appreciate my talent there too. and its nicee

so my tickets are all set in stone for my trip down to diiisney :) i'm goin with kristen and her family on the train..CAN"T WAIT..she might come see aida..which would be SOOO cooolll!!! about a month..and i'm there..CRAZY no?

i've learned a lot about myself these past couple months..and its safe to say that ive changed a lot too.

aida opens next weekend..So scary.but so ready. fuckin up the words is my biggest fear with this..and only in the first song cause its so repetitive BUT i think i've found away to remember the order and not choke up because of it

i had my first test today in history. I should have studied more..i like forgot about it so that kinda sucked. but its ok cause most of it was essay and i think i did well on that. a guy in my class facebooked me and asked me hang out sometime..i think i'll take him up on that. i need a study budy anyhow...if not for anythign but a reminder to the test. haha i'm so in summer mode..i'm like...shit. test tomorrow. i really really like my professor.

what else? i've been hanging out with miss emily a lot recently and i'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy for it. i didn' realise how incomplete i was w/o her. i love love love her lots and lots.

beckys finally home, but i still dont get to see her because of out shows..stupid scheduel conflicts. i 'm excited to see hers though :) haha oh i can just picture in that role. and i'm sooo excited for her to see mine too! in fact i'm excited for everyone to see mine cause..my role is soooo fricken perfect for me...and i never ever get to say that in most of the shows i've done. i'm excited for the 3SL to see it!!

oh yeah..i was on bctv last night. really awkward when mandas mom walked in. i wish it wasn't like that. and i hate him for it, because i really miss amanda a lot. and it isn' fair that he ...eh w/e

i bought the dane cook cd..OBSESSED now..soo funny. i think i look like an ass when i'm literally applauding and laughign loudly in my car with my windows down. haha

i'm going to see aida friday! yay! up in new hope with lauren and kaleigh exciting. i've never seen it done aside from what i'm doing now..so i'm pumped.

i think thats all for now.

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Friday, July 7th, 2006

Time:2:15 pm.

i'm not sure how it happened..or what happened...or why it happened. all i know is it did happen. Bryon and amanda are now living together. WHAT????????????????????????? was my reaction over and over again for about an hour. I can't fathom what changed within two weeks that amanda the girl who despised him along with me about how he treated me/her/his WIFE and how he looked/acted/ things he lied about things he said about me.... to HEY LETS MOVE IN TOGETHER???????????????

god. i dont understand it. I'm hurt yes. but more disapointed in her and women everywhere. He is the scum of the earth...and she knows it..or at least she claimed she did. How can you go from hating someone...and two weeks later MOVING IN WITH THEM?????? i know we all make bad choices when it comes to love. I know this. But i thought she realised (along with me) he isn't capable of love...and he isn't worthy of our love. i guess he solution to the problems was moving in together?!!?!? i can't possible begin to comprehend what went through her head that made her decide this. but my guess is he begged and pleaded for forgivness and balled his eyes out (acting style) and she eventually gave in. this makes me sad. for her for him...for them..for the whole situation. I pity her now because she just set herself up for some really LONG TERM pain...and she could have very well kept it as short and sour pain.

and even aside from everything that happened...YOU DONT MOVE IN WITH SOMEONE WHO YOU MET FOUR MONTHS AGO AND DATED FOR 1 AND A HALF OF THEM?????????????????????? i guess he had no where else to go. WAAAAAAA...i wonder why that is!!!! maybe it's because he CHEATED ON HIS WIFE AND SHE KICKED HIM OUT!!!!!!!!! i'm beyond shocked and offended and confused. i'm just downright lost. how why where what when?

i know i still have feelings for him..i know its going to be a lonnnga time till i officially and genuinly move on from this situation. but the last thing i would think to do to fix it is MOVE IN WITH THE MAN that made me feel this way. :(

and man. she just ignored me ...for two straight weeks. nothing. i feel like such a fucking asshole because i called her and left her messages and text messages and myspaced her...and nothing. And i still believed it was nothing..that she was my friend..i'm a fool. one giant fool. well i hope she told him all the things i say abotu him..i hope she let him know what a giant ass i thnk he is..and i hope she told him that i spit in his dirty asshole shoes..because i dont give a shit if he finds out..caus eits the truth.

YOU'RE A PEICE OF WORTHLESS SHIT AND I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME >>>WHAT YOUR GOING TO REPEAT WITH AMANDA WHAT YOU DID TO COLLEEN AND THE PERSON YOU ARE IN GENERAL> there isn't anything real or genuine about you. you play a party every day of your life and feed off of the drama it ensues. you're a sick sad bastard and i hope you get what you deserve in life. which is nothing but unhappiness and i hope you get shit on!!!!

anyway- i needed to get that out because i have nightmares about them now and i hate that this continually hurts me and my day n my life...they dont deserve another thought...and i hope she realises that shes a fucking idiot for being with him..and LIVING w/ him.

use your fucking head and have some respect foryourself. i thought you were smarter than that.

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Monday, July 3rd, 2006

Time:9:11 pm.
welp heres another update

I worked a lot this weekend. I worked fri/sat and monday (not weekend i'm aware) I made 50 on fri 65 sat (both night shifts) and monday i made 77...? someone explain this too me. anyway..i made a good deal this weekend so i'm happy. i need money.

I had rehearsal on sunday from 1-5. I found out i have 11 costume changes..JESUS..its tough. But only like three of them are fast so ya know. it isn't THAT bad. but still those fast changes...BITCHES.

THen after rehearsal i went to a pool party with toby. It was a lot of fun. We swam (obviously) and chilled with his friends ..some interesting characters lol. and then we played beer pong for a while. It was funny because we only had one pong ball..so me and toby had to go to the giant to get others..and there were none so we bought cat toys and played with them. haha toby didn't want anyone to know. they were pink too which made it ultra cheezy.and man. did i blow at beerpong this time. i made like ONE CUP..and i played multiple games too. sad. oh well..i'm out of the party scene loop so i guess thats it. i kept blaming it on the table length. I really enjoy spending time with him. It's a shame the timings is so off for the both of us.

Today i worked (as i said) and then it was Katie Ryans grad party. It was fun. As fun as grad parties can be. it was so ridiculously hot though. man. we had to escape to my car for some air conditioning at one point. And i created my joke reel. lol..yeah..

Later me and kira and carolyn are hanging out. good stuff. tomorrow me and katie lauer are going down to becky town..lol for the fourth of july..should be a good time!

hugs and kisses...oh wait thats right..that doesn't mean anything...

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Wednesday, June 28th, 2006

Time:5:18 pm.
So i signed up for summer classes..and when i say classes i mean class. I'm doing history four days a week at eight in the morning. I think it will be good because i have to get used to getting up earlier for disney and everything and this way the adjustment wont be so hard once i get down there. I'm so excited to go. In fact..i wish it was happening RIGHT NOW.

Aida is going swimmingly. I love my role..and i love how she changes ..and i love my songs. I sometimes hate strongest suit though cause its crazy high and i get sick of straining that much. but its still an amazing role an di wouldn't give it up for anything.

i wish i could be rupunzle in into the woods...stupid last show...i leave that day for disney..i would kill to do it. stupid directors..y can't they just forget the last stupid show! they dont have like three of the characters..they are going to have to make some sacrafices..cause you cant do the show if you don thave a fucking rupunzle..that pisses me off. lol anyway

i've been eh lately. i'm always off and on. i'm glad i'm keeping busy because whenever i have a moment to think which is usually when im driving alone...i get upset abotu everything again. and i hate it.

tomorrow i have a meeting with Prof Crisson about disney..yay! i can' t fricken wait. i think i'm goign to end up driving by myself..i hope that kristen (the girl i met at auditions) can caravan with me..cause its going to be an AWFULLY long time to sit and think bymyself in the car for 18 hours. I worked it out in my head...if i leave around 2:00 sunday..i'll get there right at check in time. So give or take an hour for eating and gas and all that fun stuff ...i'll probabbly leave around 12:00 ..i just really dont wnat to sit around and wait when i get there.

i work fri and saturday this week so hopefully i'll earn some moeny to throw the theme party i want to. :) yay..should be fun !

alright well..i'm out

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Thursday, June 22nd, 2006

Time:4:11 pm.
well i'm home! sad, but true. I miss it, but i dont think i could have lasted another day with kira and dad 24/7 ;)

the trip made me realise how AMAZING next semester is going to be and made me even more excited than i already was. I truly have an amazing thing thats about to happen to me and i'm so so so ready to do it. I watched miss Cinderella in the parade and in the show and couldn't believe that it would be me in only a few months <33 i tried to get her wave down man those are some complicated waves the princesses have..and each one is different i noticed.

i spent most of the time in the parks (of course) and the other EATING (aghh i think i'm going to take a week off from eating) and by the amazing pool our hotel had. My favorite park i think is epcot cause the amazing countries and i like to just walk around it. especially at night SOO pretty. my favorite rides were of course : countdown aka Dinosaur and Rockin Roller Coaster (the first minute of it that is) i got to go on the new expedition everest in animal kingdom and that was cool too i like it better the second time when i was in the front..the Yeti was outstandingly done.

the dinners we had were amazing but overwhelming i think i could have fed an entire country with the amount of food i ate down there...yeah...def. I think i enjoyed Germany the best ...but maybe that was only because it made me remember the trip i took last year and how cool that was. our hobatchi chef was terrible this time and i was highly disapointed!

it was cool to talk with other people who were currently doing or had done the college program before. One being Joanna who i saw do belle down there and she was amazingly good at it. Of course i didnt expect much else. I really really hate that i disliked her so much because of my petty jealous problems and i wish i hadn't ruled her out as a friend during the show because another friend during that time would have been nice. I like her a lot..and she did amazing at the role and shes a good person with a good heart and i befriended and dated someone who wasn't any of those things...and this makes me very angry at myself for being so petty and listening to that asshole talk shit about her and agreeing with it when i had no grounds to do so. I like her A LOT A LOT A LOT and i think shes a sweetheart and i just want to clear this up for everyone.

anyway- i would like to do that show once i get out of the college program. or the singing cinderella one that is comming up apparently !! yay! one college program student told my dad that the characters are VIP down there and get treated like royalty especially the face. hehe thats ultra cool to know. also everyone i talked to said how much they loved it and a lot of them were on their second of third time around : ) i can't fricken waiiiiiittttt!!!!

alana came down with friends and we got hang out with her and them at the end of the trip too! it was uberfun. ohh and weirdness...Kira saw Mr. Allen one day and one night we were walking outside of the hotel at night and practically no one was around but we walked past a women pushing her little boy in a stroller and we got to talking to her and kira was like "you look really familar" and then we found out she was from PA and THEN we found out that she is a professor at KU and Kira had her as a prof and dad is on a board with her! WEIIIIIIRDDDD and then the very next morning kira and i passed her when we were up running at 5:30 am....WEIIIIRDDD haha

alright ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppmums the word

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Friday, June 9th, 2006

Time:9:42 am.


Is your phone right beside you?:behind me actually
Do you have a crush?:nope and dont want one...
Do you wish you were somewhere else?:@ beckys..but i will be soon!!
Do you have any plans tonight?: seeing becky's show <33 and staying over w/ her
Are you wearing chapstick?: ha no
Are you cold?: very comfortable
Are you tired?: a little
Are you excited?: yup i get to see my becks tnight!
Are you watching t.v: nope nope
Are you wearing pajamas?: half and half
Who's the last person you IMed?: hmm..Kt L i think
Who's the last person that called you?: manda pants last night


Anything you regret?: bryon
Ever lied?: yes i have
Ever stuck gum under a desk?:hehe yes
Ever spit at someone?:in someones shoes...go back three questions :)!
Ever kick something living?: yes...
Ever thrown up because you cried so hard?: yes


Had any plans last week?: it was 3SL plus beanies on friday night <3
Who did you see most last week?: prob carolyn
Was last week interesting?: always interesting


Have you cussed?: damn right i fuckin cussed you aSShole
Have you yelled at someone?: my mother
Have you gotten mad at someone?: nope nope
Have you cried?: NO!! yayya
Have you called more than 3 people?: nope
Have you IMed more than 3 people?: nope
Have you eaten anything gross?: negative


Q. First thing you did this morning?: vacuumed...my mother is a nazi

Q. Last thing you ate?: pizza last night with the girlies

Q. What's something you look forward to that is happening in the next 6 weeks?: beckys, DISNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!, rehearsals EVERYTHING

Q. What's annoying you right now?: stupid carpet cleaners just pulled up

Q. What's the last movie you saw?: silent hill HORRIBLE

Q. Do you believe in long distance relationships?: well katie and andrew seem to be doing ok..and steph and jordan too so i guess so

Q. Where is the last place you went?: Alpha

Q: Who is the last person you called?: kt ryan

Q: Been cheated on?: the question is better suited is which one didn't..it would be less for me to answer

Q: Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?: probably not

Q: Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity): love..friend/family love not the other disgusting kind ;)

Q: Do you wish on stars?: hahah NO

Q: Does it work?: i hate you

Q: Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?: no

Q: When did you last cry?: its been awhile YAY ME

Q: Do you like your handwriting?: haha its very...me

Q: Are you a friendly person?: yes!

Q: Are you keeping a secret from the world?: lol nope not anymore

Q: Who's bed did you sleep in last night?: my very own

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?:brooown

Q: Do you have any pets?: two cats and a dog...twili, merlin..marmy <3

Q: What is the color of your bedsheets?: GREEN !!

Q: What were you doing at 9 last night?: learning blocking for AIDA

Q: last person you talked to: my mother

Q: When is the last time you saw your dad?: two nights ago

Q: Ever cried on your friends shoulder?: thats what they are there for

Q: Song that makes you cry?: sarah mclaughlin-Angel, I know the truth-Aida

Q: Are you a normally happy person?: most of the time :)

Q: Is your self-esteem low?: sometimes

Q: What color are your eyes?: GREEN

Q: Long or Short Hair on the opposite sex?: SHORT..i hate long hair..

Q: Current Music?: some weird sounds comming from the cleaning truck outside my house
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, June 6th, 2006

Time:4:32 pm.
so i decided to updatums

i've been in this like...zombie stage. Kind of in and out of personality. Actually i dont know how to describe it. I'm not..unfeeling. But i'm like...really torn with my feelings. I think its a torn between how i'm supposed to feel, how i really feel, and how i want to feel. i think that is the best way to describe it.

*I know i'm supposed to hate him more than anything in the world because he is a horrible person.

which i do, but i think the toughest part there is a part of me can't hate him. and then i hate myself for the part that doesn't hate him because i really should hate him because hes the scum of the earth x 25billion...and the only thing i can do is believe that it was all a lie because thats what it was "a lie" which is even harder for me to handle because i'm not one to fall for lies very easily..at least not anymore

*How i really feel is a part of me is so angry at him for everything he did, and i'm even more so angry at myself.. and there are times when i miss him more than anything.

I promised i wouldnt' fall for someone like this again. and he thoroughly had me convinced that he wasn't. i hate that i believed him and apart of me thinks i'm a total idiot for it. i'm torn between missing him and hating him..so torn that i'm feel like i'm going to implode at any moment. and i can't express this to anyone because he is after all the worst person i've ever met and everyone i talk to know this. and again i hate that i miss him at all because i shouldn't. most of them time i'm reallly really ok with this and i say .."hes worthless anyway" which is utterly the case. But than there is that VERY small percentage of me that remembers his eyes and his words and his tears and i think...how could someone be truly 100% decietful and evil..is it even human possible? and then i tell myself. yes it is. but what REALLY gets me more than anything is that I"M kicking myself for this ...for believing him when anyone would have. and now i'm left with this very bitter and untrusting version of myself (moreso than before)and its really the most devastating thing ever because i dont want to be this person. i really dont believe in true love anymore and this is sad and depressing. and i HATE HATE HATE that heeee did this to me.

what i want to feel? Ok. I want to forget he ever existed and move on with my life for the better for it and take only the positive things that came from it out of it.

But i know at least right now this isn't possible because i will have these memories forever and i will react to other guys accordingly. I can't go back in time. so now i'm stuck here. and i hate it here. Mostly because i dont want to care about him at all. And for the most part i'm ok and i dont care. But the moments where i do...i absolutly the worst ever and i hate having to experience them period...let alone because of him.

There are moments where i cant breathe it hurts so bad...and there are moments where i really dont give it a second thought and i'm like "HAH". and luckily the "hah" moments are def more so than the minusbreathing moments. What what gets me at the end of it all...is that i'm even thinking about him at all. That i'm writing this right now. That he is controlling my thoughts and feelings and emotions STILL after everything and after all that he did. I mean its not every day a person manipulates you to the most extreme he could by exclaiming he loves you and would never hurt WHILE MARRIED and convinces you that hes going to leave her for you and cries in your arms to prove its true and then TURNS AROUND and literally two seconds later is another girls arms NOT HIS WIFE and saying hte EXACT SAME THINGS to her and ALL THE WHILE bashing me to the other girl and making up things just to piss her off at you so she WONT approach you so your tracks and well covered! (breathing) but i jsut hate that its a factor and that he still manages to hurt me when isn't at all in my life whatsoever. i thought when the show ended all would be hugs and puppies. But i was wrong. its better..not seeing him...but still. hes there. i dont want him to be. i hate that he is. and once again i'm going to implode from the range of emotions i have about it all.

mostly i hate him and hope he suffers long and hard for what he has done. because i think its sick that people like that..can just...get away with it and even have people behind them cheering them on.

and once again i hate that i'm even writing this because it just shows that as long as he is in my head at all he is still manipulating me..and i hate that. AGHHHHHHHHHHHH

and i'm even debating deleting this because i hate that i hate this. lol. i could go on and on with that.

anyway-life is otherwise relativly great. I love the new job..i love the show and each day i get more and more excited for disney. and the vacation disney is in less than a week and i'm so excited for that :) anyway...i'm done venting so ..blahahhaha

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Thursday, June 1st, 2006

Time:4:44 pm.
First Best Friend: Shanna and Marc Henry

First Pet: Monsie (golden retriever)

First Piercing: belly button

First Crush: joe murphy

First CD: joan osborne..?

First Word: dada (duh) and NO and Uh Oh

First Stuffed Animal: Snuggles the teddy bear

First Memory: the book wall

First Job: Gassers Mini Golf DIE DIE DIE

Last Beverage: Propel lemon water

Last Car ride: to tanning a half hour ago

Last Movie: Silent hill w/ toby...it SUCKED

Last Phone Call: Carolyn

Last CD Played: Rent

Last Bubble Bath: two days ago

Last time you cried: 10 mins ago...

Last thing you ate: lobster bisque soup at work

Last bad thing you did: i might have spit into someones shoes that totally deserved it ;)


Have you ever dated one of your best guy friends?:nope never

Have you ever been arrested?:nope

Have you ever been skinning dipping?: no

Have you ever been on stage?: LOVE IT

Have you ever been in a fist fight?: w/ my sister

Have you ever been in love?:not w/ anyone who was worth it...

Have you ever danced naked?: for sure

Have you ever sang infront of an audience?: LOVE IT


1. sunglasses (on my head)

2. tan shorts

3. pink tank top

4. white bra

5. two rings

6. my watch

7. hair tie


1. worked


3. bought marmy and present

4. went over my script

5. got really angry at my car

6. danced like it was 1776....


1. iced coffee

2. buffy

3. my friends

4. bed!

5. beautiful summer nights


1. becky

2. maddi

3. moll

4. fill in the blank


1. Black or White: RED

2. Hot or Cold: BURNING

3. Chocolate or Vanilla: BOOGER


1. Ireland <33

2. fall in love with a guy whos worth it...


1. starts with a B ends with a I really hate you
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Monday, May 29th, 2006

Time:10:13 pm.

so life has been fast paced which is good...i wish it even more so because the less i have time to think the less i do

I've started a new job over at the Red Hills Tavern..and i think i'm actually going to be happy there. Tonight was my first night on the floor...and despite the fact that i only had three tables cause of the stupid holiday i still got good tips from all of them.

Yesterday was the last and final cast party for beauty and the beast. I was ok, but seeing him again just makes me sick to my stomach. I'm usually ok, but i just hate having to be smacked in the face with it so many times. It's nice cause i'll never see any of them again. There are a few who i'll miss most def. but the whole atmosphere is hard for me because it just reminds me of the whole torturous experience. Like brad saying that I just needed to let it go and that he was human just reallly pissed me off and surprised me for that matter. No, sorry buddy..i'm human and I dont treat people like utter shit! :( why dont people get that is not something that should be forgiven or forgotten..jesus christ...and i'm surrounded by them ..and i'm thinking to myself..maybe I AM the crazy one...it makes me really angry at how some people just dont get it. but yeah it was fun besides when i wasn't paying attention to stupid things, i got plastered and quite embarrassed myself by singing karaeoke..man...that was tougher than i thought it would be drunk!

i had a really good night w/ most of the 3SL on saturday. I love them soooo much. its good to have everyone around and getting along again :)

Aida is going well well well, although i have only attended two rehearsals thus far..but i can't WAIT to do my role :) i'm already falling in love with it

i can' t wait for f-ing disney!!!!!!!!! we leave in a little bit for vacations and its going to be relaxing and glorious and everything positive! YAY!

and speaking of disney..i can't wait to actually live there...for five months..its going to be glorious!

signing off

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Monday, May 15th, 2006

Subject:when life gives you a chance to start over..TAKE IT!
Time:7:40 pm.
wowee life is sweet.

i am incredibly proud to announce that i have started working out and have kept it up for 4 days straight and counting..yay me and carolyn.

I got hired today at Red Hills Tavern..so NEW JOB.. yay me

I've been actully losing weight the RIGHT WAY and very happy with the results thus far...:)

I got asked for a second date w/ Mr. Blueeyes so that should be fun...we're going to see a scaaarrry movie..good stuff

marmy broke a kay on my laptop w/ her ass...

Daddy took me shopping today and i was so thankful for EVERYTHING ..yay new sunglasses i've been needing those baadddlly

i woke up one morning and there were three precariously placed CREEPY bunnies in my room..my mom thought it was a good idea to place them there when i sleeping..she can be such a creep :)

i'm a coffee FREAK now...haha its baadd ..better than other addictions i suppose

carolyn and I are offically married. haha.

i'm going to becky's on saturday and my amanda love is coming with me!! yay!!!!

todd the incredibly gifted violinist has called me twice ..i should call him back. hes so nice

ALANA IS HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay..i got nothing else..hehe besides..LIFE IS GOOD <33

finally. :)


ps. am i annoying w/ my incredibly optimism? haha..i can't stop..someone shoot me! :)
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Saturday, May 13th, 2006

Time:6:24 pm.
so i've been doing much better now. thank god the show is good and done. i found out so many things that i just never NEVER want to think about again. and i'm recovering better than ever. I guess i'm just a pro at this whole broken heart bullshit. But i actually am ok and happy. I've finding a new job, Aida has started and my first rehearsal is thursday so I'm REALLY excited for that. I'm researching disney hard-core and I'm very VERY VERY excited for that. I've been hanging out with my friends a lot and i love them. God, where would i be w/o them. It's amazing how healing they can be. I'm not relying on them either to make me feel better, but they are just icing on the cake of my wonderful life. My family is amazing too, as soon as someone is in need of someone..they are always there. They are so good and i'm so lucky to have grown up in such a wonderful loving household and so lucky they are so supportive and there for me always. I couldn't have asked for a better family. Really. They are usually what keeps me going. Me and mike have been getting along really well and i have to say that he has been REALLY there for me through this whole horror story. And i defended me even when people he's known for years wouldn't. That really showed me something and I couldn't be more thankful for Him and mom. THANK GOD they were in this show with me. He becomes my step-dad in a matter of months...and for the first time..i'm really happy and honored to say that. Extending such a wonderful family could only be improvement :)

i went on a date the other night and i had a really good time. I'm not near ready to be in ANY kind of relationship again, but it was nice to see that not all men are fucking jerks and there are other people out there. He was a very nice nice guy, and very cute.

i'm starting to work out again which has made me feel ten times better and I'm eating better now which has also made me feel more energised and happy. I'm also going to start taking guitar from marc again..something i've been saying i've been wanting to do for years. And this summer is when i have to..because hes here now, but they move in not too long of a time period so i should take advantage of that and what a great talent he is.

Things are def going good right now, and i truly can't complain about anything.

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Thursday, April 27th, 2006

Time:10:51 pm.
i put all your things on your car and walked away....and i didn't look back. this isn't so you'd remember...this is so id forget...

this is the start of goodbye.

i hope your mothers proud....
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Wednesday, April 26th, 2006

Subject:i realise..
Time:3:48 am.
i realise that i have been updating a lot...but i have to vent somewhere....

so you lose it..right there...in front of everyone..two mins later you're fine and everythings back to normal. I being full of heart...am concerned..worried..distressed by the scenes that have just been dealt. i want to say something..show you my concern...comfort you..let you know i'm still here.i want to know what set you off..whats going on in your brain..what is wrong... i say to my self..."theres that heart i knew he had"...maybe he wasn't foooling me..just everyone else..

then you go to her...invite her out afterwards...knowing i'm standing right there hearing this with a smile on your face..like nothing happened...and i get slapped back into reality..you have no heart...you're just one amazing actor. FUCK YOU! you have no idea how much that hurt...no FUCKING clue

why do i still want to believe you care? when its so obvious you dont. what was that tonight? did it have anything to do with me? doubtful...you dont care about me and you never did...

who are you? does anybody know? you should be asking these questions..not me. asshole.
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Tuesday, April 25th, 2006

Time:2:25 am.
what is wrong with me? i'm so tired of feeling this way...i'm tired of missing him and "being the better person" and playing the games and doin whats right. when it all is over at the end of each day...i feel nothing but worse off then i did the day before..and why? Because i miss him. and it doesn't matter how many times i tell myself that i'm better off, or it was all a lie, or I have to move on..because i love him and miss him. i hate feeling this way..all i do now is sleep..why? because i hate facing the world feeling like this..and pretending. the other night at rehearsal i might as well have worn a sign around my neck that said "I'm in pain" about 7 people asked me the "are you ok?" bit...i want to hide it.but at the same rate what is the point? it makes me feel worse when i'm playing the stupid "I'm perfectly ok bit" then why hide it at all...but then again..oh wait..i have to because no one can know what really went on..or how he fucked around with my young naive guilable emotions..because if people would know..it would make it worse for him. how is that fair? i hate this. and i hate dealing with this every waking moment. actually..hes there when i'm sleeping too..so for god fucking sakes...make this stop. i can't take much more of this. every day it doesn't get easier..it gets harder. i'm in so much pain. i hate it. why did i fall for him so hard. i hate what he did to me...i just want it to end. i feel like shit. i dont even know what i'm doing anymore..i walk around all zombie like...then when i'm actually with people..it's all a "i'm perfectly ok act" but i can't pull that off for much longer. as it was obvious sunday night. i hate this. i hate this more than anything. why did i have to meet him and love him and lose him. there was no point to this pain...i didn't even get to be with him..or even once be able to say "hes mine" so why did i have to go through this? i hate this bullshit. and i'm so angry at myself..and at him..and at the fucken world right now. i dont care if i'm weak..or pathetic because of these things...i just want it all to go away. this fucken show needs to end. i hate being there...w/ him...i hate it more than anything. i can't be strong anymore. i'm sorry if that makes me a weak person. i dont care. i can't do it anymore. i've never felt like i lost a part of me before..and its so stupid because this situation was all fuckin screwed up to begin with. i hate the world for giving me him at all and ripping him away like that. i'm so bitter and angry and upset and all the things in between..and i hate more than anything in the world...that hes just ok..and can walk around like nothing ever happened. welll GOOD FUCK FUCKING YOU...i hate you for this. and i dont hate you at all. why? thats all i can ask anymore. ahh and its all a joke to everyone else. this emotion i feel isn't real right? i'm just a fool for love right? it was too fast too soon...well FUCK YOU TOO...you dont know..and could never know. so fuck you. i can't go around feeling like this anymore. why is it so easy for some people to just shrug off relationships...oh well thats over..moving on. i can't. especially with him. god. if people only knew. i dont care how'd i'd look to anyone either. w/e. the only reason i haven't said anything is because of him. why? because i care about him..even after everything hes done and after all the ways hes hurt me....i still wont hurt him. great. i'm such a good person. that just makes me feel so much better. not. so in all truth in answer to your question...NO NO I'M FUCKING NOT OK..not at ALL. there happy? does that make him win? i guess so. does that make him the stronger person ..i guess so. i dont care anymore. and i dont care who knows i'm upset. i'm not a pretender...i'm not a fake person...unlike him....and i refuse..>REFUSE to stoop where he has stooped any longer.

AALKGJLKJGIW)JGPIWJG_(|+@J)GIJ)IQWJF_(WJGopk i give up on love.
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Saturday, April 22nd, 2006

Time:2:03 am.
Tonight went well. I guess. I have no concept of anything anymore. My brain is always elsewhere when he's around. and i hate that. I hate it more than anything in the world because all i should be doing is NOT thinking about it. i hate the way my brain works..and i hate that i'm not one of those people who can just move on and forget about it. and i hate it even more that he is. am i really that forgetful? was i really that unimportant to him that he can just shrug me off? Thats so very upsetting to think about. And apart of me believes its true. but then why do i care at all? thanks for the compliment...not..i would have rather you said nothign at all. at least then i couldn't analyze everything..lines and between. and ihate that i do that too. Why does it matter to me what he says anymore? it shouldnt. ugh. i hate that its this way now. And i hate the awkwardness. its so...stupid. which is why avoiding is much less painful to me. I'd rather not talk to you, then see that look in your eye..and hear that strain in your voice. is it pity? please say its not. i dont need it, or want it. or do you feel the same as i do? and then..once again..why does it matter? pointless. this game is pointless. and just can't wait for the time when i dont have to see you anymore..at all. ever again. then you wont be able to get to me like this. I let you get to me like this. its my fault. how do i not care? please. how is it done? my life would be so much easier if i knew how to NOT CARE. its really hard to hide it sometimes. but i wont let you see.


happy birthday sissy. you are officially 22 as i type this..hehe. love you

sissy C
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